There is nothing quite as painful as being given the silent treatment by your spouse. Refusing to communicate can destroy a relationship. It pulls people apart and leaves no room to compromise or work together. It is a non-verbal way of saying “I am in charge and I will not talk about this!”. It is the five-year old’s way of saying “I can’t hear you….” therefore what you have to say is wrong and I am obviously right.
The silent treatment is childish and is a person’s way of avoiding taking responsibility while fooling themselves into thinking they are in control. It is a game and a vicious tactic used by most narcissists. If you have just said something to prove their false reality to be “false” then you can be sure you will be the target of their silent punishment and ignoring. Trying to reason with a narcissist during his silent treatment will prove to get you absolutely nowhere but more frustrated. They have shut you out and your words can not penetrate their ears. You are invisible and mute to them. Ignoring you and giving you the silent treatment is their way of protecting themselves from having to actually communicate like a grown adult and face that they may not always be right or in control.
The best thing you can do when your spouse, narcissistic or not, gives you the silent treatment…use that time to find peace within yourself. Do not allow his emotional abuse break you, instead use it to strengthen you. I know, easier said then done. Believe me, I know. I am given the silent treatment often and I always want to go to my partner and try to talk it out, try to make sense of it all, try to understand what he is feeling. However, that always ends in him raging on more about how I am wrong and stupid and “F” me and so on… Then I am still left alone and being ignored and now feeling even worse because of the crazy making he just lashed onto me.
So, as time goes on and silent treatments increase, I am learning ways to use his attempts to break me to actually build me up. I am learning to walk away. Let him be and just use the peace and quiet to go within. I don’t want to sulk and rerun his ranting that lead to the silent treatment. I don’t want to drive myself crazy trying to figure it out, instead I want to let it go and go within myself to rebuild what he is attempting to break down. I now try to use his time to watch a movie I have been dying to see, do some yoga without the guilt of not being with him, write, pray, and even catch up on sleep if all else fails. In the end, I end up retaining the power over myself and I no longer allow his silent treatments to take away my power. This is hard and takes time. Breaking old patterns and habits is hard. Learning to redirect my thoughts in the moment is a challenge. However, doing it over and over makes it easier as time goes on. It is changing me and helping me grow into a better person. I remain in control of my own power, and not him and his silent treatments.
Another thing that helps me now when I am being given the silent treatment is to ask my higher power what it is that he is trying to teach me in that moment. There is always a reason for everything and learning to tune into that reason will help in so many ways throughout life. Spending the time during a silent treatment to find a reason for growth for yourself will help to redirect your energy onto something positive and for yourself. Maybe you needed some time to finish a project you started or maybe you needed to learn to take time for yourself or maybe you needed to learn to be alone a little more. Whatever the reason may be, learn from it.
Silent treatments are a form of emotional abuse and are not ok in any relationship. No one deserves to be ignored and treated as though they do not matter. Do not allow someone’s silent treatment on you make you question yourself or your worthiness to be communicated with. It is their character flaw, not yours. They are the one who is incapable of communicating as an adult and they are the one who essentially needs to be alone. Leave them to their own misery and take the time for yourself. If they continue to give you the silence, maybe you need to start to reevaluate the relationship because essentially what they are telling you is that they do not care enough to “try” and you are not important enough to them. Listen to what they are really telling you in their silence.
Now if only I can listen to my own advice and really start to take a stand against my couple times a week doses of the silent treatment. I guess it is a step in the right direction that I see and recognize it and now I will begin the journey of refocusing on me and using the time to grow as an individual so that eventually (hopefully sooner then later) I can place the boundaries that the silent treatment is NOT ok in my life.