I cannot believe a whole year has gone by since I gave birth to my youngest of 6, Noah. As I begin to celebrate his 1st year I can’t help but find myself overcome by the emotions of going through my whole pregnancy and his first 4 1/2 months of life alone. I feel so much anxiety in these emotions. So much pain and sorrow. Yet I realize that I have to find ways to change that negative instinct and convert it into all the positives that evolved from the situation. If I spend my years looking back and the pain then I have not fully learned from it. I have not gained and grown and I will forever be stuck. I do not want to live there. I do not want to feel the overflow of sadness every time I celebrate his birthday. Instead, I want to take charge of my inner thoughts and fill myself with all the joy and peace that I have found in my precious little Noah.
First and far most, I have a beautiful, healthy little boy that God has blessed me with. There isn’t a thing wrong with him and I couldn’t ask for anything more. I had a difficult pregnancy and had many health concerns throughout. I had doctors warning me of my health and his health and I was always so worried that he would not be ok and that I would be to blame. In the end, prayer and a healthy lifestyle despite my circumstances brought me the healthiest little boy. Not only is he healthy but he is the happiest. He has never been one to cry or give me a hard time. He smiles at everything and everyone and he carries a deep and genuine happiness within him. He brings a smile to everyone who meets him, and yet he is only 1. I can only imagine the plans God has for him as he grows older. I know in my heart this little boy has a special mission and I cannot wait to see it lived out as he grows.
Aside from the perfectness of my baby, I have to reflect on where the negative emotions and anxiety come from as I think back to his pregnancy and birth. Yes, it comes from my husband leaving me pregnant and alone with 5 other children. The deep sadness of being abandoned and rejected. The confusion of how a man I gave my life to could be so selfish to not stop for a moment and put all things aside for his unborn baby. That right there is the anxiety. The not being able to understand. Our society today makes it far too easy for the father to not take responsibility for his child(ren).
It has become a normal for men to walk away and leave the woman to take full responsibility and consequences. This sickens me. More people need to stand up and hold men accountable. Family and friends of the male too often turn the other cheek by defending that he must have left for a good reason. Good reason? Really? I think all family and friends should stay neutral and advice the men in their lives that if they created a baby then they need to grow up, stop being selfish and find ways to support their unborn child. I am not saying stay with the mom or get married or anything like that. I am saying find a way that works to be the father of your unborn. Don’t argue and fight with the mother. Don’t blame and run. Be responsible. Ok, so maybe you aren’t ready to be a dad or you didn’t want this baby or you would rather go out every night and party with friends and other women…but you have to face your consequences. Visit the mother. Be sure she has what she needs. Support her emotionally through the pregnancy. Be a friend to her. Ugh, my stomach gets in knots when I think of not having the support that I needed through my pregnancy. I try not to blame him, because I know we all do the best that we can in the moment, but I feel that he just didn’t try and he denied me and the baby through the pregnancy. Maybe had others in his life helped hold him responsible then things could have been very different, maybe not. All I can do is refocus my thoughts on that what happened was what was meant to be for one reason or another. No more what ifs. (see, even as I write this I still have to find ways to refocus my thoughts. It is an ongoing process.)
While society has a lot of work to do with holding men more accountable, this was not the reasoning for my writing this post. Instead, I really wanted to help empower women who might be going through it alone as well. We as women need to not worry about the karma, he will get his someday when his grown child asks why he wasn’t there for mom. Instead, we need to be grateful for the gift and the challenge that God has trusted us with. We need to focus on the positive and never forget that this was a blessing bestowed upon us. Being pregnant is not a curse, it is a true blessing. As a mother I constantly had to feel my baby in my tummy and talk to him. I had to connect with him and let him know that we would get through no matter what. I always told him his daddy loved him and would get to know him someday. I even told him to send some of his angels to his dad and touch his heart to come back. I believe children are very connected to the spiritual world.
Going through a pregnancy alone is never easy. I did it once with my first child who is now 18 and then again 17 years later with my 6th baby. Who would have thought I’d do it again? I want to look at going through it alone as a blessing because it woke me up again and caused me to look within myself. I had to be strong. I had to do the right thing and give my life to another child. I had to let go of addictions and self-pity and I had to grow as an individual. Looking back I honestly believe that God’s plan was exactly this…he knew I needed saving within myself and nothing less than a jolt was going to wake me up. Everything happens for a reason and God’s reason for me going through all of this alone was to remind me that I can. He wanted to slow me down and teach me patience. He wanted to help me see the error in my ways and find new strengths within myself. He wanted to remind me that no matter what happened in life, I always had my children and I needed to live for them and nobody else.
I remember leaving the hospital with the baby and crying as we walked down the halls. I was filled with so much sadness that I was going home alone with a newborn baby. It wasn’t that I was afraid I couldn’t do it alone. It was that I felt so much sorrow that my baby and his father were missing out on this new beginning. I slept on the couch with my baby in my arms every night for the first 4 months. I was addicted to feeling him close. I was determined to give him more love then he could have been missing form his father not being there. Even though I put more pressure on myself, it was for a good reason and in the end my Noah and I have a very special bond that will never be broken. I now choose to focus on the positives and stop reflecting on the sadness. It should not be about going through it alone but instead about the special moments that I had with my baby…all to myself.
If you are going through a pregnancy alone take a moment and smile because you are blessed. Do not focus on the sadness or allow the anxiety to destroy your days. Know that you will get through it and you will come out stronger in the end. Know that there is a reason for everything and if you can find the reason and learn from it, then you have won the battle. Stay strong. Do not think negative or project negativity on the father. Instead, send him love and light and angels to help touch his heart for his baby. He may not come back during the pregnancy or even once the baby is born, but some day, he will face his child and his decisions and life will play out for everyone. As long as you focus on you and that precious little baby I promise you that everything will be just fine. No matter what obstacle come your way, you are not alone. Lean on your higher power and be thankful for all that you are blessed with. Life is far too short to be stuck in the negative. Instead, live in the positive and watch life blossom right before your eyes.
Single moms have a deep inner strength and must learn to be proud of all they are!